It's not easy being green...

"Whoever trusts in his riches will fall, but the righteous will thrive like a green leaf." 

Proverbs 11:28

So this got me thinking.  Actually, it was the thinking that led me to this verse.  Anyhow, I've been thinking for several days on this one before blogging it which has been good, since in the meantime many a situation has presented itself to further my questioning (God knows I love it when he provides me with 'in your face' examples!)  What my question comes down to is this: What does it mean to be rich?

I realized as soon as I boiled it down to a 'simple' question that there is no simple answer to this.  The complexity led me to Websters Dictionary:

Rich: Having abundant possessions, and especially material wealth 

There are several other definitions, but it was the synonyms that really started to open up my mind and channel me in to what I had been picking up on in the last few days.

synonyms rich, wealthy, affluent, opulent mean having goods, property, and money in abundance. rich implies having more than enough to gratify normal needs or desires rich through shrewd investing. wealthy stresses the possession of property and intrinsically valuable things wealthy landowners. affluent suggests prosperity and an increasing wealth affluent society. opulent suggests lavish expenditure and display of great wealth, more often applying to things than people opulent mansion.

I added the bolds to share where my eyes and mind go.  Is it really all about the 'things'?  I'm so drawn into this right now, because the journey that we're about to embark on, with Jason going to seminary and our family having at least a year with no true income, feels incredibly rich.  However, that suddenly feels like a funny word to use when describing it!  Our seminary life will be ANYTHING but abundant with money or goods or property!  I seriously doubt that, in the next three years at least, I will be blogging about having 'more than enough'...unless of course you look beyond Mr. Webster...

It's so cliche', but the one thing I've learned over and over again since November 2007, is that it's not about the 'things' in life.  Please don't get me wrong, I like-no LOVE- having nice, even lavish, things and experiences, but I've come to realize that those things are like medicine for me.  Brand names, vehicle types, big, expensive gifts, dinners out, kid's toys, a bigger house, nicer this, newer that-you get the point.  When my life turns to that-to seeking more than what God has given me right here, right now-what am I after?  Do I really need to keep up with the Joneses that badly?  Why am I running from...me?

It has become my long term goal to be the face of the 'new' Jones family.  To get back to basics, per se.  Do we need that second car?  That second job just to feed a lifestyle?  Brand new or second hand?  5 bedrooms when 4 will do?  Honda Accord when a Civic will do?  Ground sirloin when I can drain the mess out of ground beef?  You get the picture!  Jason and I talk a lot about the 'things' that we desire-"Hey I really want to get _______ (fill in the blank with you name it)"-but when it comes down to it, when given enough time to think it through and really sort it out, we typically will come to realize that we're just fine with what we already have.  My hope is that our girls pick up on this and that they will always feel abundantly rich with the love and experience our family provides them more than any toys and clothes that they may have.

So that brings me back to this:

"Whoever trusts in his riches will fall, but the righteous will thrive like a green leaf." 

Proverbs 11:28

Hmm, I have to say that I'm struggling with the 'righteous' part because it's not my goal to be 'righteous' in this process.  I think maybe the goal is, however, to live in a way that makes us thrive so much, that it truly encourages others to have more abundance from less.

I'm just not sure...

I'm not sure how to gracefully dive into this one so I'm setting grace and likely tact aside for the moment while I try to figure out why not speaking is a repeated means of 'dealing' with issues.  Of course this notion hasn't just come to me.  I, of course, have a very specific instance in mind, but it's really just a repeat of history for most everyone that I know.  Myself very much included.  For me, it's learned behavior.  The apple doesn't fall far from the tree and it is especially true in this category.  However, before I go on, let me say that I have spent many an hour in therapy working through the lack of communication issue, and I think that my husband would say that those were dollars well and successfully spent.

My father is a good man.  This is especially true when you do as he instructs, agree with his opinion and generally go with his flow.  This is complete truth when you're in line with the aforementioned guidelines and your decisions and actions are solid, sound and normal fitting within his guidelines.  

And then there's me.  The 5th of his 5 children who really isn't feeling all that.  I'm a learn from example kind of girl.  Hence why I hated school until I excelled in the Cosmetology classroom.  But I'm still trying to figure out what it is that I am supposed to 'learn' from this, his, example.  

The latest in a long list of his antics mostly has to do with me expecting baby #3 at what he doesn't think to be the appropriate time.  My immediate reaction is to exclaim "Who died and made you God?"  but I'm fairly sure that response won't get me anywhere.  So in a typical show of his disapproval, he stops talking.  Normally it's just to me, but I've noticed that this time it's to Jason as well which I think pretty much indicates that he's holding him responsible for 'doing' this, as well as a host of other changes (moving, seminary etc), that he doesn't understand or approve of.  This leaves the girls caught in the middle, without them knowing, and me pleading with God for grace, forgiveness and understanding at the top of my lungs.

Up until now, it's been much easier for me to just speak my peace to him when the opportunity finally presents itself.  But my level of irritation on this one is HIGH, like exponentially elevated and it's not coming down.  So I'm blogging.

More and more my feelings lean toward just not needing this roller coaster 'parenting', if you can call it that, and I often find myself wanting our current state of silence to be current forever.  I'm done and over it, but I also feel that such a decision should bring about more peace and less questions than it has.  Mostly the questions surround where does that leave my kids from a relationship standpoint?  Although my stubborn side answers back with 'you can just continue to drop them off without speaking to him and that would be completely okay until they figure this man out for themselves and come to you looking for answers.'  And I think I'm okay with that.

I think the bigger issue in this, for me, are all the things that I wish my father would be saying or asking right now to fill the stale silence that fills the air.  Or how it is that I can attempt to move forward when all I can think about is a day rapidly approaching where I am supposed to say "Happy Father's Day" to a man with whom I am not happy and does not feel very fatherly on any day right now.