I'm just not sure...

I'm not sure how to gracefully dive into this one so I'm setting grace and likely tact aside for the moment while I try to figure out why not speaking is a repeated means of 'dealing' with issues.  Of course this notion hasn't just come to me.  I, of course, have a very specific instance in mind, but it's really just a repeat of history for most everyone that I know.  Myself very much included.  For me, it's learned behavior.  The apple doesn't fall far from the tree and it is especially true in this category.  However, before I go on, let me say that I have spent many an hour in therapy working through the lack of communication issue, and I think that my husband would say that those were dollars well and successfully spent.

My father is a good man.  This is especially true when you do as he instructs, agree with his opinion and generally go with his flow.  This is complete truth when you're in line with the aforementioned guidelines and your decisions and actions are solid, sound and normal fitting within his guidelines.  

And then there's me.  The 5th of his 5 children who really isn't feeling all that.  I'm a learn from example kind of girl.  Hence why I hated school until I excelled in the Cosmetology classroom.  But I'm still trying to figure out what it is that I am supposed to 'learn' from this, his, example.  

The latest in a long list of his antics mostly has to do with me expecting baby #3 at what he doesn't think to be the appropriate time.  My immediate reaction is to exclaim "Who died and made you God?"  but I'm fairly sure that response won't get me anywhere.  So in a typical show of his disapproval, he stops talking.  Normally it's just to me, but I've noticed that this time it's to Jason as well which I think pretty much indicates that he's holding him responsible for 'doing' this, as well as a host of other changes (moving, seminary etc), that he doesn't understand or approve of.  This leaves the girls caught in the middle, without them knowing, and me pleading with God for grace, forgiveness and understanding at the top of my lungs.

Up until now, it's been much easier for me to just speak my peace to him when the opportunity finally presents itself.  But my level of irritation on this one is HIGH, like exponentially elevated and it's not coming down.  So I'm blogging.

More and more my feelings lean toward just not needing this roller coaster 'parenting', if you can call it that, and I often find myself wanting our current state of silence to be current forever.  I'm done and over it, but I also feel that such a decision should bring about more peace and less questions than it has.  Mostly the questions surround where does that leave my kids from a relationship standpoint?  Although my stubborn side answers back with 'you can just continue to drop them off without speaking to him and that would be completely okay until they figure this man out for themselves and come to you looking for answers.'  And I think I'm okay with that.

I think the bigger issue in this, for me, are all the things that I wish my father would be saying or asking right now to fill the stale silence that fills the air.  Or how it is that I can attempt to move forward when all I can think about is a day rapidly approaching where I am supposed to say "Happy Father's Day" to a man with whom I am not happy and does not feel very fatherly on any day right now.