This past Monday evening, Jason and I had the opportunity to have a mini date night and go listen to an old friend from high school perform with the Kalamazoo Symphony at Kindleberger Park. It was great to be at a concert without children because it gave me some much needed quiet time to reflect on what I was hearing beyond the music. The selections for the evening were Broadway and/or motion picture related. One of the pieces was selections from The Phantom of the Opera. I've seen Phantom twice-once in Toronto for my 13th birthday and once here in Kalamazoo for my first mother's day after Kailynn was born. The craziest emotions were stirred while listening to this performance. It really caught me off guard considering that I was sitting in a lawn chair at a park! Like we're talking emotions were brought to the surface that a) I didn't even know existed in my soul and b) even if I knew they were there, only a licensed professional should have known the questions to ask to bring them to the surface! More importantly, it made me aware that I have still been suppressing some very significant abandonment issues. Let me see if I can tie this all together...
When I was in eighth grade, my parents planned a trip to Toronto for my 13th birthday. The highlight of this trip was for me to go see Phantom. That should stick out as the big 'thing' from the weekend. What actually sticks out is the fact that my parents, instead of taking me to Phantom, sent me to Phantom with some close family friends (who had traveled with us) while they went to Mis Saigon, because they had already seen Phantom that summer....
The mother's day Phantom performance was a big deal to me. Jason not only got the tickets, but also took care of arranging childcare for the evening which as a mom is a HUGE deal! It also gave me a glimmer that the man that I had married was still buried underneath the workaholic, often distant person he was becoming. Maybe he wasn't so far gone after all.....
Growing up an only child apparently made me fear being alone, being left behind and a whole miriad of other things. My one consistent escape was music. I would play. I would listen. I would drift off into my own world where I felt untouchable because it was only accessible if I let you in. It still plays a huge part in maintaining my sanity.
So shortly after hearing the selections from Phantom on Monday evening, our friend performs "Back to Before' from Ragtime. As I'm sitting there, still caught off guard by these crazy reflective emotions, the lyrics start speaking to me (sounds crazy, but this happens to me on a regular basis, I swear!). The whole song talks about how things used to be, but how you can never go back to before....
Ah ha. That was it. There was something deep down in me that was longing for the good times/things that surrounded the early Phantom memories. However, God has not designed our lives to work like that. It is such a blessing that He's spoken to me about the fact that He alone is everything I could ever want in a mother and a father. In other words, He was with me at that Phantom performance when I felt alone and abandoned by my parents on my 'special' birthday trip that no longer felt so special. And He was with me when it felt like my spouse had left me to handle life with our daughter on my own. He was also with Jason in making plans that He knew would reach out to me-something I desperately needed.
What I know now, is that no matter how it seems, I could never go back to a life of 'befores'. Even in the moments where, like right now, God seems distant and like He's not hearing my prayers to sell our house or He's communicating with me with direction for everyone except for us, 6 months or 15 years from now I know that I will hear some song that takes me back to before. Only my hope is that then I will know that before is not where I need to be.
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